The Grand Opening

Where we left off...

The hospital is swarming with sorority girls.

FAT MAN: Help! I need to see a doctor right away!

HOSPITAL ASSISTANT: Oh god! Nurse, get this woman up to maternity now! This baby isn't going to wait!

FAT MAN: Hey! I'm a man! I just happen to have a little bit of a weight problem.

HOSPITAL ASSISTANT: Oh ... sorry. What can I do for you?

FAT MAN: I think I have a tapeworm.

HOSPITAL ASSISTANT: You think you have a tapeworm ... are you sure?

QIU: (coming in quickly) Of course he has a tapeworm, the poor man! Why, you can tell just by looking at him! You'd better get that taken care of right away.

FAT MAN: You mean right now?

(QIU hurries man onto table and gets his knife ready to cut FAT MAN's stomach. He then starts slicing)

FAT MAN: Ah! Ah! Ow! What the hell! Give me some anesthesia!

QIU: Anesthesia? You didn't say anything about that when you came in! I mean, we have some, but it's going to cost you another three hundred dollars. So, do you want it or not? Make up your mind.

FAT MAN: (just stammers and keeps saying ow)

QIU: Wait a second ... you know, if we just cut out that tapeworm, there's still going to be little worm eggs floating around inside of you. After you get all sewn up, you might have another worm in ten, fifteen days. Do you want me to give you something to take care of the eggs? If you do, it'll be another hundred and fifty dollars.

(HOSPITAL ASSISTANT gives QIU the thumbs-up)

FAT MAN: Well, hmm, I suppose just do whatever you think is right, Doctor.

QIU: (while still operating on FAT MAN) You know, if you would have this operation done over at Mount Nittany, it'd cost you two, three thousand dollars easy. You're lucky you came here first. All we ask in exchange is for you to spread our name around to your friends. We're totally sanitary here at Ritenour. By the way, you should probably stop back tomorrow afternoon so we can see how the healing process is coming along.

FAT MAN: I think I'm going into shock.